Assertiveness

This is a light, summer song to go with the perfect summer weather we've been getting (except it started raining a few hours ago)... 

As One - Sonnet

Saw this on Lovelyish and thought it was a great post. I love seeing a strong, assertive person - someone who isn't afraid to speak up, someone who doesn't get stepped all over, someone who gets the respect they deserve. As I look back, I could see myself becoming more and more assertive (I've had other ppl notice and tell me too - I guess it comes with experience and confidence) all throughout high school. In elementary school, I wouldn't say I was one to get stepped on, but I would say "sorry" out of habit even when I wasn't the one at fault, I would speak with a quieter voice, I would say "thank you" often just because I was taught that it's polite (now, I actually mean it when I say it), I would agree with what everyone said, and I would have a hard time saying "no", though it didn't bother me to do whatever it was. Lots of things would just slide past me and before, I didn't care if it wasn't what I would wished to have happened.  Now, I can say that I get what I want and it's by using the following tips below (which I wasn't fortunate enough to have listed out back in elementary/high school). I'm not talking about getting material things (though, sometimes it is the result.. "uh... uh... um... sir........ s-s-sorry, but can I, like, can I have, like.. a.. a hotdog...please?"), and I'm not saying that the person fulfilling the request is losing out on anything.. getting what you want is done in a polite, straight-forward manner and you know what, it's a good thing for everyone cause, well, it reduces complainers and makes the world a better, happier place.  It's to do with the type of treatment I receive from everyone - it's on a different level. When I ask/request things, it is most likely not to be rejected and if it happens to be (very very rare if you use the tips below unless you're asking for something ridiculous), that's totally okay - at least I've tried... and maybe I'll find another way to approach it the next time.

1. Adopt body language that's more confident. Fake it until you make it!

• Keep your voice at a consistent volume when you speak, and don't let it waver.
• Make eye contact when you talk to people (also a great way to flirt!).
• Don't cross your arms across your chest; keep your pose open and confident.
• When you say a sentence, don't let the end creep up in tone (so it sounds like a question) [guhhh pet peeve]. End the statement firmly.
• Get rid of filler words in your speech, like "um," "you know?", "like." They make you sound nervous.
• Don't say "I'm sorry" when you don't need to apologize, like if someone bumps into YOU in the train.

2. Put your own needs first. It's not selfish, no matter what you might think! If you don't stand up for yourself and what you need, who will? Sometimes as women we feel like we have to apologize for wanting things a certain way or needing things from our significant others, but you should never feel like you have to apologize for things like wanting affection and respect.

When the time comes to ask for something, like a raise, or to confront a friend who's hurt you, take a deep breath and communicate what you want in one or two sentences: "I think that I deserve a raise, and let me tell you why." "What you said last night hurt my feelings and I'd like to talk about the issue further." [Communication is so important!! listen and if it doesn't work the first time, learn and try a different way next time.]

3. Realize why you tend to be a people-pleaser. When we operate from a place where we're already feeling low and inadequate, we bend over backwards to please others because of our need to keep the peace and thus avoid feeling rejection from others. If you don't stand up for yourself with your words, you're more likely to be passive-aggressive with your actions. Try to not be so afraid of others disagreeing with you or confronting you, and you'll feel much better able to do what's right for you.

4. "Assertive" is different than "aggressive." Aggressive people are hostile and pushy, and they bully others into meeting their needs exactly how and when they want them. Don't be like that! But also, don't worry that by standing up for yourself, you're being mean or belligerent. As long as you're polite and respectful of others, you can't fret that standing up for yourself is going to piss people off.

5. Be more positive! If you have a negative outlook of yourself, that's going to affect both your assertiveness level and how you view others, i.e., you'll assume that everyone is out to get you and make your life harder. Keep a smile on your face and others will see you a confident girl to be reckoned with, not a Debbie Downer.